She lies in her bed, surrounded by darkness. It’s only 9:30pm, still plenty of time left in the night to be doing some study and catching up on all the lectures she has missed. Exams are coming up in less than a month, after all, she needs all the time she can get to revise, no, learn everything. She realises this, yet she still can’t seem to gather up the willpower to get out of bed and do it. Or do anything really.
She’s had a rough day. She’s been feeling down yet no one seems to have noticed. Some people had shown slight concern, but no one had really noticed. The hollowness she felt in her heart, that heaviness in her chest, that all encompassing feeling of sadness that was suffocating her. She lies in bed with it still looming over her, pushing down on her, rendering her unable to get up.
She knows she’s being ridiculous, expecting everyone to have read her mind when she plastered a smile on her face the entire day. She knows she’s being unfair to those who did show concern, as she only pushed them away when they only wanted to help. And it wasn’t like she felt down the whole day, there were little pockets of genuine laughter and smiles. But at that moment, as she lies in bed cocooned in the warmth of her blankets, she feels cold and alone.
She wonders why she’s feeling this way. Is it because of school? She regrets the way this semester has turned out – she should have concentrated more, put in more effort to engage and learn and go to every class. But it has turned out this way and she has little time left to mend the holes in her knowledge before the first exam. She doesn’t know if she can do it. She feels helpless. She feels like she has failed herself and everyone who had expectations for her success. She knows full well that she can be using this time to study but she can’t bring herself to do it. Not today.
She’s also unhappy with her weight and her skin has been breaking out badly, so her self esteem is at an all time low. She feels like eyes are on her everywhere she goes, judging her, laughing at her. She knows she’s probably criticising herself too harshly, and nobody really cares except herself, but she can’t help it. She feels ugly, and wonders how anyone can find her attractive.
She realises it’s a combination of everything. Everything in her life that is going badly, thought today was the day to band together and attack. They cloud her mind, making it harder for the good things to peek through, until…all she can see are the bad things. Everything runs through her mind at a million miles per second, deepening the hollow feeling in her chest and at a point it all gets a bit too much.
The first sob comes out harshly, abruptly. And then others follow and then she can’t seem to stop. She feels utterly ridiculous, like she’s being overdramatic. Everything she is worried about will pass and she will feel happy again. But at that moment, the sadness poisons her, and is all she can see and feel.
She lies in bed crying and darkness washes over her.
- Written by Anna
On this blog, we talk about exercising good study habits and being positive and looking on the bright side of things when things don’t go too well. However, I’m fully aware that not all things go to plan, and there are days like these where everything seems to be going wrong, both in school and your personal life, and you can’t seem to find a way out.
Sometimes you know you should do something but it’s hard to actually bring yourself to do it. Sometimes you know you shouldn’t be feeling a particular way about yourself or other people, but you can’t help it. You can be fully aware of something but still feel something that completely contradicts it.
All in all, the point of this short story was to bring to light that it’s not as easy as making a choice or being told to do something and doing it. Of course, some people may be capable of doing that, but a lot of people aren’t. To expect that from everyone is unrealistic. So these days can happen, and sometimes it helps to cry and let it all out. It’s okay to. And you will be okay too.